Our Love is Easy
by Dianaprince89
Summary: Jane was in every crack, every crevice- every infinitesimal space of Maura was tainted with her now.
1. Dance

"I love this song," Maura sighed dreamily. "It's so beautiful."

Standing, she closed the distance between herself and Jane. Jane looked up at Maura warily from the uncomfortable sofa, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Maura extended her hand to Jane, immensely satisfied that it wasn't shaking. She tried to exude calm, confidence.

Inside, she was terrified.

"It's just a dance," she coaxed softly. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Jane looked poised to protest, to offer a thousand things that could go wrong, a million reasons why it was a bad idea.

Instead, she remained unmoving, her dark, shimmering eyes searching Maura's for something.

Maura wasn't sure what Jane was looking for.

The longer she stood there, empty palm outstretched towards Jane, the more her confidence wavered.

The more her lips trembled, the more her heart pounded, the more her mind raced.

She waited, agonizingly long moments passing. And she began to doubt.

She began to doubt the things she'd started to believe, very late at night. She doubted the assurances she had given herself. The encouragement she had offered herself.

Because she had needed it.

At some point, she had realized she was falling in love with Jane.

And she thought… some girlish, foolish part of her thought Jane might return those feelings.

To keep from going absolutely mad, Maura had let herself think that. Had told herself, only under cover of darkness, that Jane found her attractive too. Wanted to kiss her too. To date her too.

Might be in love with her too.

Now, that seemed too preposterous to fathom.

Maura let her hand fall back by her side.

"I'm just not in the mood," Jane rumbled, her voice a sorrowful rasp against Maura's skin. Maura's eyes fluttered closed and she swayed slightly, as if they were ocean bound and had just sailed out into rough seas.

Calling on every ounce of social grace drilled into her as a child, Maura managed to nod. Her lips turned up in a rough approximation of a smile.

"Of course," she demurred, but her voice was so hoarse she hardly recognized it. "Perhaps another time."

Jane didn't respond. Maybe it was better that way- silence meant she didn't have to lie.

"If you'll excuse me," Maura mumbled, stumbling blindly towards the door. She needed air- it was suddenly impossible to breathe in her office.

"Maura wait," Jane's voice chased her. "Come on, Maur."

Maura moved towards the elevator on autopilot, single-mindedly focused on getting air.

The basement was a tomb and she was suffocating. Being buried alive.

_Air._

She needed air.

When she burst out onto the pavement in front of the precinct she realized it was cold. Freezing. And she'd forgotten her coat inside.

It didn't matter.

She was already numb.

Without thought to the destination, Maura walked away from the precinct.

She wasn't sure how she'd face Jane now, feeling so vulnerable and exposed.

_Jane._

Her colleague, her best friend… the woman she'd fallen in love with.

She couldn't pinpoint the when or the where or even most of the how but she'd learned to accept it. Awake in the middle of the night, she'd come to terms with her feelings.

In the stark light of day, she couldn't face them.

But late at night she'd move around her home in complete darkness. She'd make a cup of tea and the words of Tom Waits would soothe her, comfort her. His smoky, whiskey-laden heartbreak made her feel just a little less foolish.

Made her feel a little less ridiculous for falling hopelessly, madly in love with her straight best friend. The only best friend she'd ever had. The only _real_ friend she'd ever had.

A woman so bold, brash, and beautiful that it made Maura's breath catch. She couldn't have fathomed the depth of emotion that Jane evoked in her. The sheer magnitude of what the other woman made her feel.

Maura's thoughts raced, her heart pounded.

Everything else was simply white noise. Everything else was just distraction.

She was in love.

It was exquisite.

It was utterly agonizingly, heartbreakingly, devastatingly beautiful.

Maura let every feeling settle over her, wrap through her. She opened her heart and accepted the endless myriad of feelings that her unrequited love encompassed.

Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, letting the city air fill her senses. And she thought about the way Jane smelled, how her unique scent was more intoxicating than any drug or drink Maura had ever consumed.

She thought about the smoothness of Jane's skin. The sleekness of her muscles. The cadence of her laughter. The rumble of her speech.

A light snow began to fall but she couldn't turn back now.

She ached for Jane.

Wished, most fervently, that Jane could return her feelings. That she might love her back.

At night, thoughts of Jane kept her from falling asleep. But the excruciating knowledge that Jane would forever be just out of reach kept her from dreaming.

And without dreams, sleep was just a depthless, black chasm into which she plunged each night.

So she resisted.

Fought the darkness.

Tried to keep the shadows at bay.

Inevitably she fell asleep, tossing for a few restless hours before her alarm would blare. The routine was exacting a high toll on her, and she knew her friends and coworkers had noticed.

In the light of day, she considered therapy. Transferring precincts. Confessing.

But at night, she acknowledged that none of that would help. Jane was in every crack, every crevice- every infinitesimal space of Maura was tainted with her now.

And the fissure in her heart, splitting open by degrees as her love for Jane grew stronger, would never close.

So she had waited.

For what, she didn't quite know.

A sign, perhaps.

Courage, maybe.

For fate or destiny or kismet or all the unseen forces of the universe that she never believed in before she met Jane to act upon her, take the decision out of her hands.

And now, she had done it.

Broken them wide open- but she was the only one left shattered, bleeding.

The despair was an omnipresent ache. Always with her, always lurking below the surface, waiting to tug her down.

Her toes, vulnerable in the peep toe pumps, began to tingle. She knew she had to return to the precinct- she didn't have her purse, her phone, her coat… anything.

But the thought of seeing Jane, of having Jane see through her, was excruciating.

At the steps of the precinct, Maura caught sight of her savior.

Frankie.

Calling his name, she moved swiftly towards him.

"Maura?" his concern was immediate. He stripped off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders. She realized she was shivering. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," she tried to smile but found she was too cold. "I need you to go to my office and get my purse and phone. And please, don't ask why."

For some reason, Frankie didn't ask anything else. Didn't press or pry.

"Will you please wait inside?" he asked. "It's freezing out here. You'll get sick."

Maura appraised him warily before nodding. She allowed him to lead her inside but she stopped before he could coax her any further than security.

"I'll wait here," she whispered.

Frankie nodded, looked poised to argue, but disappeared without argument.

The next day, Maura acted as if nothing was wrong. Jane tried to pry, to press, but Maura avoided the subject of her urgent departure.

She didn't lie, _couldn't_, but she avoided, demurred, fled.

Jane seemed to realize Maura wasn't going to divulge the source of her anxiety so she let it go.

The rest of the week passed without incident and Maura began to relax.


	2. Dough

Jane rolled over on her back, sighing heavily.

This was not at all how she'd planned for this to go.

Not that she'd really planned it, _per se_. Just that, more generally, she'd had ideas about how it would go down.

And this was not a part of those plans.

Lying awake at 3 a.m. for the third night in a row did not fit into her plans.

Glancing at the clock, she exhaled heavily again.

Make that 3:30 a.m.

Some things were so easy to define.

They had clear boundaries, simple parameters, obvious demarcations.

Angela was her mother.

Frankie was her brother.

Frost was her partner.

Cavanaugh was her boss.

Stanley was a pain in her ass.

Saltalamacchia was her hero.

Jo was her dog.

Some things were clear. Easy. Simple.

She was a cop. A sister. A daughter. A friend.

Uncomplicated.

But other things… other things were not so straightforwardly characterized.

Things like, _Maura._

Her coworker, friend, confidante.

Maura was intelligent, compassionate, gorgeous, hilarious, loving, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous…

Jane groaned.

She was so epically screwed.

She knew sleep wouldn't come now.

In the morning, she'd be a complete wreck as a result.

She vaguely remembered Maura warning her that the fourth day without sleep made you crazy.

Rolling out of bed she turned to the stack of cold cases she kept for sleepless nights. Maybe she'd find justice for one of these victims and the insomnia would be worth it.

A few hours later and she, unsurprisingly, hadn't made a break in any of the cases. She showered and headed to work, knowing it would be a long, hellish day.

She was right.

At the end of the day she made a beeline for her mother's house. More specifically, the fridge.

Sighing in relief and delight, she pulled out a wax-wrapped log of cookie dough and collapsed onto a barstool.

She began eating straight from the package and tried to come up with a solution to her seemingly unsolvable problem.

The door opened but she didn't move.

Jane took another bite from the roll of cookie dough, knowing it would draw Angela's ire but also knowing that she needed it.

It was cookie dough or liquor, and she knew that the cookie dough would hurt far less in the morning.

The urge to act impulsive, reckless, foolish… it was overwhelming.

She was in such utter turmoil that she couldn't seem to find solid ground.

Normally, she would go to Maura.

But not this time.

This time, she had to keep Maura out of it.

Jane needed her Ma.

She needed her Ma to pry, to butt in, to ask her questions and draw the truth from her. She needed to rid herself of the awful feeling she'd been carrying around since she'd turned away Maura's offer to dance.

She needed to admit the truth.

She needed to say it out loud. To hear it, to feel the words.

It was the only way she'd be able to get past it. Over it. Through it.

She gnawed off another hunk of the delectable dough. Her mother made it in mass batches, rolling it and storing it in the fridge and freezer.

Jane had been stress eating the sweet raw dough since she was an adolescent- she hadn't been Rolly Polly Rizzoli for nothing, but it had been years since she'd done so directly out of her mother's fridge.

When Angela bustled into the room, she immediately took note of the dough. Her eyes narrowed and she clenched the counter tightly.

"What happened?" she breathed, sheer terror in her voice. "Who's hurt? Who died?"

"No one," Jane assured her, mouth full of sugar and flour and chocolate chips. "Everyone is fine. It's just…"

She lost her nerve.

Fuck.

"Jane," her mother broached gently. She approached like Jane was a wild animal who might startle and run away. "You're worrying me."

"I gotta tell you something," Jane exhaled raggedly. "And it's… it's kinda like a big deal. I'm worried-"

"You can tell me anything," her mother encouraged, soothing but sure. "You know that. I love you- no matter what."

"Yeah," Jane nodded. "I know that, Ma. I do. This is just… well it's something I haven't admitted to anyone yet. I'm worried about saying it out loud."

Angela sat delicately on the stool next to Jane, still moving with such agonizing gentleness, precision, caution.

"Ok," she smiled softly. "Take your time, Jane. I've got all night."

Jane took a deep breath. Another bite of cookie dough.

Her mother put a comforting hand on her thigh.

This was her mother. Her mother who had stood by all of them through bad decisions, jail time, injuries, lies, mistakes…

If anyone would understand, it was her mother.

"It's about Maura," Jane hedged. "I uh, lately there have been, it's just that I…"

"You're in love with her," Angela blurted quietly.

The bottom dropped out of Jane's stomach. She imagined skydiving must feel the same way. Her mouth was dry, her heart racing, blood rushing in her ears.

"Yeah," she croaked.

Angela chanced a small, kind smile.

"Oh Jane," she soothed. "I know."

"How?" Jane rasped.

"The way you look at her," Angela whispered. "That was my first clue anyways. But it's a lot of things, Jane. It's the way you talk about her, the way you talk _to_ her. The way you act around her, the way you treat her. How you've changed, because of her, _for _her. Mostly though, I see it in your eyes. When you look at her… almost from the first time I saw you two together- I can see the love."

"I didn't know," Jane sighed. "Until a few days ago."

"Have you told her?" Angela asked needlessly. The answer seemed clear enough from Jane's impromptu kitchen bingeing.

"No," Jane shook her head. "She's my best friend, Ma."

"So you're not going to tell her?" Angela quirked one eyebrow in doubt, her voice dubious.

"No," Jane repeated. "I've thought about it. A lot. She's straight and way outta my league and we're best friends. I'd never risk that just to make myself feel better. And I know her- she's so nice and so considerate that she'd feel guilty for not loving be back, and I don't want that."

"You don't know anything until you talk to her," Angela soothed. "And you should trust her to be gentle with your heart, regardless of her feelings. She's earned that much, at the very least."

Jane hung her head, sighing.

"It's scary," she whispered. "I'd rather face a room full of armed murderers."

"You've always been good with the physical side of fearlessness," her mother nodded. "You're so willing to put your safety aside in order to protect other people. But this is different, Jane. This is your heart, and you've never let anybody get even close before. Don't you think that Maura getting through those barriers means something?"

"I know," Jane agreed, a bit of whine in her voice. "I just wish it was easier, you know? Like, I wish I knew how she felt."

"You're a detective," Angela scoffed. "Maybe if you took your head out of your ass for two seconds you'd see how she feels."

"Ma!" Jane exclaimed. "Jeeze. What are you talking about?"

"Jane," Angela sighed in exasperation. "Think long and hard about where Maura is every Friday night. About who she plays chess with. About whose dog she helps walk. About whose family dinners she makes a regular appearance at." Angela tapped Jane's temple lightly.

Jane opened her mouth to reply but found herself struggling to process her mother's words instead.

Maura did those things because they were friends.

Best friends.

And that's what best friends did, right?

_Right?_

But now that Angela had pointed it out, it sounded weak- even in her own head.

Best friends, at least from what Jane had seen, didn't go to quite such lengths…

Maybe her mother was on to something.

It made her so nervous that all the cookie dough she'd eaten threatened to come back up.

Maybe Maura liked her too.

Maybe even loved her.

Holy shit.

"Jane," her mother admonished. She realized she'd sworn out loud.

"Sorry," she flushed. "It's just… wow."

"You should talk to her," Angela encouraged gently. "No matter what, she deserves to hear the truth."

"Yeah," Jane bit her lip. "I guess so."

"Jane," her mother's voice was a warning.

"Yeah, ok," Jane rolled her eyes dramatically. "But not until I'm ready."

"Ok," Angela nodded. "But please be ready soon. I want to have grandbabies while I'm still young enough to keep up with them."

"Ma!" Jane exclaimed, whining openly. "No talkin' about grandbabies, ok?"

"Oh hush," her mother laughed. "I know you think about making them with her so I can think about playing with them."

Jane blushed furiously, tossing the cookie dough onto the counter.

"Ma!" she groaned. She didn't bother pointing out the obvious fact that she and Maura couldn't technically make a baby. Having any kind of conversation about sex with her mother, teasing or otherwise, was way outside her comfort zone.

"Now ease up on that dough," her mother wrapped the dough up and put it back in the fridge. "Maura would have a heart attack if she realized I let you eat that raw."

"I'm gonna go now," Jane laughed. She hugged her mother briefly and fled, her mind racing.


	3. Deal

Jane's weekly pick-up game with Frankie had been great, and as she relaxed in the kitchen of her family home she was feeling pretty happy, content.

The adrenaline had helped her shake some of the lingering unease following her around after the incident with Maura a few weeks ago.

She hadn't been able to process it, define it, figure it out.

It had occurred to her months ago that her feelings for Maura far surpassed friendship. She was just learning to live with it, to work around it, when Maura had asked her to dance.

To _fucking _dance. In her office. In the middle of a work day.

And Jane knew she wouldn't have been able to hide her feelings if she accepted that offered hand. If she'd stood and held Maura in her arms and swayed with her lithe, soft body…

She would have disintegrated.

It was only Maura's abrupt, inexplicable departure that alerted her Maura might not be interested solely in friendship.

But Jane had been down that path before- fallen in love with a woman. She wasn't eager to repeat the heartbreak the experience entailed.

While part of her recognized that Maura would never treat her so poorly, part of her couldn't shake the learned fear of having her heart broken.

So she did nothing.

It was cowardly.

When Maura pushed her away the next day, she was too fearful to press. So she let it go. Now, it haunted her.

That look in Maura's eyes was never far from her mind. And Frankie's description of finding her wandering outside without a coat…

Jane had never felt so low.

They were seemingly fine again, but something was off. Like someone had picked a puzzle piece up and snipped part off before putting it back. The big picture was still the same.

But the devil was in the details.

Fuck.

She had managed to completely ruin her mood in minutes.

Then her mother began puttering around, and Jane noticed the stack of nice plates.

"We're having a real dinner," her mother instructed, as if dinner wasn't _real_ for lack of fine china and freshly pressed trousers. "And you're going to go home and get cleaned up before you pick up Maura."

"I'm really not in the mood, Ma," Jane grumbled.

"Well too bad," her mother shrugged. "I didn't spend all morning in the kitchen for you to decide you're not in the mood to act like a civilized daughter."

Jane groaned, knowing her efforts to put her mother off would be to no avail.

"I'll see you and Maura for dinner tonight," her mother commanded. "Now stop being so fussy. It wouldn't kill you to spend a little time with your family."

"I don't spend any time _not_ with my family," Jane complained. "I just want to have a beer and watch a movie with Maura."

"Well you two need more of a social life than that," her mother clucked.

Jane felt a tingle of something alerting her to danger.

"What did you do?" Jane demanded suspiciously, eyes narrowing.

"I didn't do anything," her mother lied. Jane rolled her eyes, slamming her forehead dramatically down against the kitchen island.

"Maaa," Jane cried. "What did you do?"

"We just have a guest coming for dinner," her mother admitted. "And I want you on your best behavior."

Best behavior.

Jane knew what that meant. She resisted the urge to lie on the floor and kick her legs.

_Best behavior_ meant a set-up.

But… her mother knew she was in love with Maura.

She'd admitted, only a few weeks ago, to seeing the love in Jane's eyes.

It made Jane nervous.

What was Angela doing?

Had she spoken to Maura? Did Maura tell her mother that she could never love Jane back? Did Angela know something that Jane didn't?

"Now go home and change," her mother shooed her out of the kitchen. "I'll see you in a few hours."

Jane knew that arguing with her mother would be futile, and would only make her more annoyed, so she left the kitchen.

Frankie was just coming out of the shower, and Jane stopped him in the hall.

"Do you know who Ma invited over?" Jane asked.

"Some lawyer," he replied, grinning. "Said they met at the precinct."

"Oh man," Jane threw her hands up in exasperation. "She can't get any worse!"

"Don't think you'd want to test that theory," Frankie laughed. "See you in a bit."

Jane drove home and showered, stewing the entire time. She deliberately dressed down, her dark jeans, low-heeled boots, and black t-shirt calculatingly hard-edged. She left her hair in wild, drying waves down her back, grabbing her leather jacket and aviators on the way out the door.

The hard-assed confidence of the look never failed to deter men. It seemed to scare them, and while she used to worry it about it, she relished it now. It meant she could slide into the suit of armor and be free of unwanted suitors.

When she arrived at Maura's, she was early but Maura was nearly ready.

"You look nice," Jane greeted, surprised by the way Maura could throw her off-balance just by answering the door in a crimson sheath dress with a modest neckline, hair perfectly coifed, make-up flawless, feet bare.

Maura looked like she was going on a date.

Jane's gut clenched.

"You're a bit overdressed though," Jane added. "It's just dinner with my family."

"There's nothing wrong with looking nice," Maura replied. "Even around _just_ friends and family. Although you look very nice too."

Jane looked down at her outfit and shrugged.

"Ma's got a set-up in mind," Jane warned her. "So be ready to play the role of my LLBFF tonight."

"Jane," Maura scolded, though her smile belied the words. "You can't continue to hide behind our friendship every time an opportunity for intimacy arises."

She moved towards her bedroom and Jane followed.

Jane walked into Maura's bedroom behind her and plopped onto the bed when Maura disappeared into the bathroom.

"I'm not hiding from," Jane shied away from the word _intimacy_. "I'm not hiding. I just don't want to waste my time with a bunch of losers. Especially not when I can spend my time with you."

Closing her eyes, Jane soaked in the familiar warmth and comfort of Maura's bedroom. She reclined on the bed, settling into the overpriced, heavenly mattress. She would have been content to remain there. Maybe they could get the delivery guy to bring the food all the way to the bed…

"Well I think you should give them a chance," Maura shrugged. "And casual sexual encounters have their place in our lives. Sex is-"

Jane cut her off with a grimace.

"Yeah, yeah," she frowned. "I know. It stops you from getting colds and something about immuno-whatever and blah, blah, blah. Please don't tell me about it again."

"For someone as," Maura hesitated. "_Bold_ as yourself, you're quite puritanical when it comes to sex."

"Yeah," Jane shrugged. "We've had this conversation too. I just don't like to talk about it. It's... weird."

"Alright," Maura conceded, reemerging from the bathroom looking good enough to eat. "How do I look?"

"Sexy as hell," Jane rumbled before she could stop herself. If Maura noticed the dark hum in Jane's voice, she didn't comment.

"Wonderful," Maura nodded. "I'm ready then."

The ride to Jane's family home was amiable and easy. The connection between them was as conducive to conversation as it was to silence, and they managed to strike a balance between the two that suited them both.

Jane took a deep, fortifying breath before entering the house.

"Hey Ma," Jane trailed off and stopped walking, leaving Maura awkwardly hovering in the doorway.

Jane was startled to see an attractive blonde woman chatting with Angela in the living room. Her mother knew better than to…

"Janie," her mother greeted her warmly. "Please come in. This is Alexandra."

Alexandra shook Jane's hand briefly before Angela practically shoved Jane aside, leaving Maura and Alexandra face to face.

"Alexandra," Angela could barely contain her excitement. "This is Dr. Maura Isles."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Isles," Alexandra extended her hand.

Maura accepted it, and Jane thought she saw something in Maura's face shift.

"Please," she smiled warmly. "Call me Maura. And the pleasure is mine, Alexandra."

"Alex," the woman corrected easily.

"Alex," Maura repeated softly. Their hands were still clasped.

Jane twitched. Her brow furrowed as a dangerous thought occurred to her but she quickly brushed it aside.

"Maura is the Chief Medical Examiner for BPD," Angela gushed. "She's so smart, and funny too!"

Maura blushed and Jane's gut clenched.

"And isn't she gorgeous," Angela added suggestively.

"Yes," Alex agreed. Her eyes met Maura's again, her gaze lingering.

That suspicion Jane ignored earlier crashed over her with staggering force.

She grabbed her mother by the arm and dragged her into the kitchen.

Her mother whirled on her with uninhibited glee when the door swung shut behind them.

"Oh, they're totally hitting it off!" she practically squealed.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jane demanded, furious and jealous and despondent and humiliated.

"Introducing Maura to Alex," her mother replied, as if it were obvious.

"Maura's not gay!" Jane cried.

"I know," her mother nodded. "She told me she's- what did she call it? Fluid. Alex is intelligent and lovely and she and Maura would make such a nice couple. I figured since none of those men were working out we might try a woman. Wouldn't hurt you to do the same."

Jane thought her head might explode.

"I was going to," Jane gritted. "I just haven't gotten around to it yet! Besides, what do you mean Maura dates women?"

Jane hated admitting she didn't know such a detail about her so-called best friend.

"Well maybe if your head wasn't so far up your backside," Angela's scolding was gentle, motherly. "You'd stop dragging your feet and realize that someone is going to come along and scoop Maura up while you're waiting for the right moment."

"Ma," Jane's voice was pleading. "I just need to be sure how she feels..."

"I know that's what you think," Angela shrugged. "But falling in love with a straight woman when you're a teenager and falling in love with Maura aren't the same thing. Even if she were straight, Maura would never treat you like that."

"How do you know about that?" Jane asked.

"I'm your mother," Angela intoned, as if that explained everything. "I know things. And I know when you're in love. I also know when you need a good kick in the pants."

"Ma," Jane gritted. "I can't believe you're doing this!"

"Maura shouldn't have to just wait around indefinitely for you to figure your feelings out," Angela told her matter-of-factly.

"It's not _my_ feelings I'm trying to figure out," Jane emphasized.

"Well maybe you should just ask," Angela said simply, as if Jane were the most dense woman ever to live.

And maybe she was.

"I can't," Jane sighed.

"Then you have to go out there and be a good friend," Angela hit her with a hard look. "And help me."

The idea of helping Angela set Maura up on a date made Jane feel physically ill.

"I can't," she repeated.

"Well at least don't get in the way," Angela shook her head.

At that moment, Frankie popped his head into the kitchen.

"You two planning to leave our guests standing in the hallway all night?" he teased.

"Oh my!" Angela exclaimed, rushing for the door.

"Don't worry," Frankie rolled his eyes. "I put 'em in the living room. Seems like they're hitting it off pretty damn well."

"You knew about this?!" Jane whirled on him.

"What's that?" Frankie pretended to hear someone calling his name. "Looks like they need me."

He disappeared before Jane could make him regret his complicity with Angela's scheme. She would worry about making him pay later.

There were much bigger fish to fry at the moment.

Angela slipped out of the kitchen and Jane listened to the voices from the living room.

She could hear the lilting, gentle roll of Alex's voice followed by Maura's laughter. It made her teeth itch.

Jane was furious.

How could Maura not tell her something so monumental? How could Maura not trust her?

Jane's own silence on the issue of her sexuality did not temper her rage.

Maura should have trusted her.

Should have told her.

But instead she told her mother! Angela! The biggest, nosiest busybody ever to live!

Jane knew that part of her anger was over Maura's silence, but she knew there was more to it than that.

This little bit of information about Maura's sexuality, otherwise so innocuous and unimportant, tilted Jane's world on its axis.

Now, her fantasies about Maura weren't so far from reality.

Maura laughed again and Jane fought the urge to rush in and pull Maura away. To storm into the living room and kiss Maura until she couldn't breathe and Alex got the picture and left.

Instead, she was interrupted by Angela's return.

"Help me with dinner," Angela instructed. Jane hesitated- she didn't want the two women to be alone together. "Frankie is still there," Angela read her mind.

Jane deflated, idly accepting her mother's instructions. They carried out a line of dishes to the table while Maura, Frankie, and Alex chatted.

Eventually, Angela ushered them to the dining area.

Frankie sat in his usual seat, and Angela sat across from him. Maura sat at her normal place, the seat to Jane's right, but Alex was blocking Jane's chair.

Angela shot Jane a look of stone, and Jane grudgingly sat at the head of the table, on the other side of Maura.

Their legs bumped when they sat down, and Maura smiled, pulling her leg away. A thought occurred to Jane- she had never agreed _not _to get in the way. And she _was _being a good friend.

Stopping Maura from dating Alex was the good thing for a friend to do.

She let her jean-clad leg rest against Maura's under the table, pressing tightly for a second. Maura smiled again, but this time didn't move away.

Angela narrowed her eye suspiciously at Jane.

The conversation was guided mostly by Angela, her prying into Maura and Alex's lives a thinly veiled attempt to make them seem compatible.

Jane ate a few bites of food off Maura's plate. She wrinkled her nose and nudged Maura until the other woman removed the peas from her plate.

_Their usual give and take_, Jane reasoned to herself.

When Jane finished eating, she draped her arm over the back of Maura's chair. Alex's voice faltered for a second and something flashed through her eyes but disappeared just as quickly.

Jane internally defended herself... This wasn't anything outside their usual.

That was the truth.

And it dawned on her that their usual was pretty damn intimate.

And the look on Alex's face was recognition.

Understanding.

This stranger saw in one evening what Jane hadn't seen in years of friendship.

It made Jane uneasy.

Frankie and Angela regaled them with stories and Jane chimed in occasionally. She told some stories of her own, teasing Maura and praising the M.E. for being able to put up with the hard-headed bunch of detectives.

They ate and talked and Jane was surprised at the comfort she felt when she was next to Maura, their legs still resting together under the table.

Eventually though, Alex and Maura began to trade stories and Jane shifted uneasily.

Maura sensed her fidgeting, and casually reached over under the table to pat her hand. The touch was comfortable and familiar, a move Maura often did when Jane became restless but they couldn't leave.

Again, the intimate interplay of their relationship hit Jane hard.

It was too much.

She pushed back so abruptly that her chair wobbled.

Everyone at the table froze, turning to look at her.

"I uh," she stammered. "Phone vibrated. I gotta check it."

Fleeing out to the backyard, she heard Angela asking who wanted coffee and dessert. Jane wasn't sure she'd survive the niceties of such interaction with the way her heart was aching.

How could she have been so blind?

Jane paced back and forth on the small patio until she heard the door open and close. She turned, shocked to see Alex.

"The ladies kicked me out of the kitchen," she shrugged, a soft smile on her face. "And while Frankie seems nice, he's not really my type."

Jane couldn't find the equilibrium to laugh.

"I'm sorry," Alex apologized. "I didn't realize you and Maura were together. Angela asked me over to meet Maura and I just assumed-"

"We're not," Jane interrupted.

Alex's disbelief was clear.

"We're just friends," Jane added. It sounded idiotic, and she knew it. They were friends, but Jane's feelings were clearly transparent, even to a stranger.

"Well uh," Alex cleared her throat. "I don't want to step on any toes or anything."

"You're not-" Jane had been prepared to insist, but she couldn't bring herself to voice the lie. Not if it meant Alex would try to date Maura, kiss her. The thought alone was enough to make her feel sick. "Yeah," she sighed. "I'm kinda working on it. At this pace I will have asked her out on our first date by the time I'm eligible for AARP."

Alex laughed and nodded.

"Been there," she said. "Sorry. Maura seems really great. She also seems to care about you quite a bit. While you and your mother were hiding in the kitchen, talking about us, all she talked about was you."

Jane flushed, both at being called out for her poor manners but also at the idea that Maura would be so enthusiastic about her.

"I'm sorry you ended up in the middle of all this," Jane apologized.

"It's alright," Alex shrugged. "The dinner was amazing. You'll have to forgive me if I don't stay for desert."

Jane nodded, feeling like a total jerk.

"Get my Ma to wrap you a cannoli," Jane suggested. "You won't regret it."

"Alright," Alex nodded. She paused with her hand on the door handle. "It was nice to meet you, Jane. Good luck."

"You too," Jane replied.

Alex disappeared back into the house and in the silence of the yard, Jane took a moment to think.

Maura was her best friend. The woman of her dreams.

The last time Jane had fallen in love with a woman, it had ended in disaster. She'd pretty much stuck to men since then. It was easier, in many ways.

Loving Maura was anything but easy.

And being with her would be a challenge.

Maura deserved something, _someone_, better than a... what had she said that day?

A blue-collar Italian.

Right.

She knew it didn't matter to Maura, that she would be insulted by the insinuation that status mattered, but Jane knew better.

Jane knew what other people thought, what they would say, about her being so far beneath Maura. And a woman! She couldn't imagine what Maura's parents would think.

The door slid open again and Jane expected an earful from Angela. Instead, soft hands landed on her shoulders, began to knead gently.

"Are you alright?" Maura asked.

Jane thought about how to answer.

"I don't know," Jane sighed. Maura continued to gently massage, and Jane deflated.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Maura offered.

"Not really," Jane equivocated. She didn't know what to say. "Alex seemed nice."

She winced. She hadn't meant to open that can of worms.

Maura's hands stopped on her back, sliding off and landing at her sides with a soft thud.

"Jane," Maura stepped around until they were facing each other. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Why did you tell my _mother_?" Jane whined.

"She asked why I hadn't been dating much lately," Maura shrugged. "I told her that I was not feeling particularly interested in dating a man right now. She was quite supportive and understanding. I didn't know she would immediately begin trying to set me up with women."

"It's my mother," Jane scoffed. "Of course she would."

Maura's soft smile warmed Jane.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Maura repeated. "I didn't know how. I've never really come out to anyone. It's not because I don't trust you- I do. I love and trust you completely."

Jane nodded.

"I love you too," she responded. "And I uh, I dated a woman once."

Maura's eyes widened almost imperceptibly but she hid it quickly, smiling.

"Seems we're both full of surprises," she said.

Jane met her eyes, unsure what exactly she was looking for.

Maura's warm, affectionate gaze was the same as it had always been.

And she realized what she'd been looking for.

Relief.

Understanding.

Knowledge.

She'd been hoping to see some indication that Maura returned her feelings, was pleased to discover Jane was interested in women too.

"Seems like it, " Jane agreed dejectedly.

"I'm glad Angela invited us over tonight," Maura said.

"Right," Jane guffawed.

"I am," Maura nodded enthusiastically. "Otherwise we might not have discovered this about each other. I don't want us to have secrets, Jane. We're best friends. We should be able to share anything and everything."

Jane felt a pang behind her breastbone.

"Yeah," she agreed. "You can tell me anything."

"And you can tell _me_ anything," Maura replied. She stepped forwards into Jane's body and embraced her tightly.

Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders instinctively, burying her face in the shorter woman's hair. Maura's face nestled up against Jane's neck, her arms around Jane's waist.

They stood that way for long minutes, enjoying the closeness.

Jane could only take so much of Maura's intoxicating scent, her supple body, her warmth. Stepping back, she allowed Maura to lace their fingers together.

"Sit with me for a minute?" Maura asked softly, indicating the porch swing.

Jane nodded and sat down. She was helpless to resist.

Maura sat next to her, their legs touching from hip to knee. She rested a hand on Jane's thigh, leaning into her until Jane put her arm around Maura's shoulders.

"It's very nice here," Maura breathed.

"Ha," Jane barked. "Sure."

"It is," Maura assured her. "It's comfortable and warm and you can feel the love when you enter the house. It's nothing like where I grew up."

"You're always welcome here," Jane offered softly.

"I know," Maura replied. "Thank you."

They didn't speak much more that night, and when Jane dropped Maura at home there was that lingering _something _between them that she didn't know how to resolve.

So she said nothing, did nothing.

That _something_ bumped into them all week long. For the first time in their relationship they had awkward moments. Uncomfortable silences. Weird pauses. Avoided eye contact. Speaking over each other. Accidental collisions.

It was as if they were still doing the dance they'd been doing for years but had forgotten half the choreography.

It was as if that _something_ had wiggled into the negligible space that existed between them and taken up residence.

Jane wasn't sure how to get rid of it.

When they were called out to check a scene a few days later and Cavanaugh asked Maura to go, Jane was thankful. Maybe the ride and the time alone together would be normal and she would realize that this was all in her head.

Instead, the car ride was weirdly pressurized.

They pulled up to the mansion in Brookline and Jane sighed.

She shut the door of her cruiser and tried to zero in on the nagging feeling in the pit of her gut. Something wasn't right.

She absently fingered her service weapon and tuned back in to Maura's chattering.

"Koi ponds must be designed precisely to promote health and growth of the Nishikigoi, or Japanese Ornamental Carp," Maura told her. "The architecture of the pond can have a great effect on the health and wellbeing of the koi. This pond looks particularly extensive and perhaps significantly deeper than the average personal pond."

"It's like zero degrees outside," Jane grumbled. "I don't think anything is living in this pond right now."

Maura opened her mouth to reply but Jane narrowed her gaze.

She was exhausted, freezing and her 'spidey-senses' were tingling. It was making her testy.

Looking up towards the expensive home in front of them, she cringed over the lack of a clear walkway. Damn rich people. Who doesn't shovel their walk?

Maura set off towards the house, her shoulders slightly hunched, picking her way through the snowy yard as best she could in her stiletto boots. Jane bit her tongue, knowing she'd have to apologize later but she couldn't focus on that until she got them in, out, and safely back in the car.

"Are you coming?" Maura turned to look back at Jane over her shoulder.

"Yeah," Jane groaned.

A loud noise pierced the air and Jane drew her weapon automatically, scanning for the source of danger.

"It's ok," Maura soothed, meeting Jane's eyes. "It's just the branches. They're under a great deal of stress due to the ice. It's just ice."

Jane swallowed harshly, nodded. But she didn't holster her weapon, just in case.

Maura took another step and smiled at Jane encouragingly.

"You coming?" she asked again.

Just as Jane was about to reply, an oversized branch fell right where Maura was standing. Maura moved back just in time, narrowly avoiding being crushed.

"Maura!" Jane exclaimed.

"I'm ok," Maura's tremulous voice came back. "I'm fine, Jane."

Jane took a few quick eager steps towards Maura but Maura held her hand up in a, _stop_ gesture.

"Maura?" Jane felt that niggling fear from earlier explode in her gut.

"I may have miscalculated," Maura's soft voice made Jane's entire body tremble in terror.

Maura didn't miscalculate.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jane asked.

"I calculated that the density of the surface should permit," she began.

A loud crack, this one more familiar to Jane, echoed around them.

Ice fracturing.

"Maura!" Jane yelled.

"The ice is not as thick as I believed," Maura admitted.

"Then get the hell off of it," Jane rasped. "Now."

_What if Maura fell through and died?_

"It's not quite that simple," Maura began to move at a glacial pace. "The branch will have created a weak point with numerous fissures traveling out for a distance of-"

"Maura," Jane barked, stepping towards the other woman.

_What if she never got the chance to explore the depth of her feelings for the other woman?_

"Don't!" Maura cried. The panic in her voice froze Jane in place. "The ice is too weak to support both of us. The best thing you can do is go back to the car and grab some rope and…"

"And what?" Jane prompted, trying to keep her voice calm.

"And the emergency blanket," Maura breathed. "Be ready to radio in for an ambulance. If I fall in, it will only take 90 seconds for hypothermia to set in."

_What if she never made the distinction between, 'Maura, I love you' and 'Maura, I'm in love with you' out loud?_

"Maura," Jane began.

"Do it," Maura snapped. "Now, Jane, please."

Jane didn't turn her back as she moved towards the car. She slipped and slid on the cold ground and fumbled for her keys until she flipped open the trunk and pulled out a length of coiled rope.

_What if she never got to kiss her? Touch her? Hold her?_

Forming a loop at one end, she slid it around herself. She moved back towards Maura, forming a similar loop at the other end.

Jane found the spot she had been standing on earlier and then took another step towards her friend. Two steps. There was a large stump and Jane worked the rope around it to anchor them both.

_What if this was it for them? She would have an endless litany of regrets._

Maura was still moving, inches at a time.

"Catch this," Jane yelled. Maura nodded, pausing.

Jane tossed the coiled end of the rope towards Maura, her heart pounding. Maura missed it but was able to pull the rope towards herself, to secure it around herself with shaking hands.

Jane relaxed infinitesimally when Maura was fixed to the other end of the rope.

"Come to me," Jane encouraged. "You got this, Maura. Baby steps."

"Baby steps is a misnomer," Maura replied automatically. "_Baby_ is a term typically used to describe a child under one year of age and-"

"Maura," Jane interrupted. She couldn't deal with Googlemouth and the prospect of Maura's death at the same time.

"I'm nervous, Jane," Maura replied.

Jane's heart clenched.

"You're gonna be fine," she tried to sound as if she believed it, as if she were sure.

_She was going to tell Maura, when this was over_.

"You can't know that for sure," Maura paused when the ice emitted another terror-inducing _crack_.

"I do know," Jane rasped. "I know, Maura. Because I've got some stuff to tell you. Important stuff."

"Like what?" Maura asked, her eyes pleading.

Jane wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline, the fear, or that she was just so fucking tired of hiding, but the words poured out automatically.

_Why hadn't she just accepted Maura's hand that day?_

"Like that I feel more for you than I ever have for anyone," she admitted, tightening another few inches of the rope as Maura moved towards her.

"You do?" Maura asked."

"Yeah," Jane nodded. "I do. I love you, Maura."

The words, so long suppressed, just wouldn't come. She wanted to say, _I'm in love with you_.

"I love you too," Maura replied. Her footing faltered and Jane's grip on the rope tightened. Her hands were beginning to burn, her scars to throb.

"But we can talk about this later," Jane encouraged. Maura was only six feet away but it felt like miles. "I'll buy you a cup of coffee and we can have a nice long talk, ok?"

"Ok," Maura's voice was almost too soft to be heard.

The distance was agonizing. Jane wanted to reach out and drag Maura towards herself.

Then the ice cracked again. A spider-web of fissures spread towards Maura in seconds and her footing faltered. She shook unsteadily on her feet and Jane panicked.

_She should have said it._

"Jane!" Maura's desperate voice broke the silence.

She jerked on the rope, pulling Maura forwards. Maura's arms flew out in front of her, just barely stopping her face from making contact with the frozen ground.

The spot Maura had just been occupying was now swirling, icy water.

Jane stepped towards Maura and tugged on the rope at the same time. When she grabbed Maura's arm, she'd never been more thankful in her life.

An incoherent string of words streamed from her mouth.

"It's gonna be fine," she cooed. "I've got you. You're gonna be ok. I'm going to tell you everything…"

At some point she stopped being consciously aware that she was speaking, the words automatic. They poured out of her, a frantic litany of confessions.

Literally dragging Maura back towards the tree trunk, she tried to calm down. They were lying on the ground, Maura in her arms. Jane was shaking from head to toe, blood rushing in her ears, heart pounding.

Jane untangled herself and Maura from the rope but couldn't seem to let go of the smaller woman. She tried to focus on her friend, to make sure she was ok.

"Are you," Jane panted. "Are you ok?"

"I'm," Maura mumbled, teeth chattering. "I'm cold, Jane."

Jane looked down. Maura's legs were drenched and she was trembling violently. Her lips were faintly blue.

"Fuck," Jane cursed, standing abruptly and practically carrying Maura to the car. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"It's going to be ok," Maura soothed. "I just need to get warmed up."

"Ok," Jane tried to sound calm. "Ok, we're gonna get you all warmed up, sweetie."

Jane deposited Maura in the backseat of the car. She turned the cruiser on, blasting the heat as high as it would go. Maura had removed her wet coat and gloves and was shivering in the backseat.

Coming back around to the rear of the vehicle she fished out the blanket and covered Maura with it. Jane removed her own slightly dryer coat and draped it on top of the blanket over Maura.

Maura was trying to remove her boots with badly trembling hands. Jane swatted them away softly, removing the ruined, over-priced shoes. Closing the door, she pulled Maura's feet into her lap, cocooning the blanket over them.

She immediately began rubbing Maura's legs, gently trying to restore warmth and circulation.

"How're you doing?" she rasped, looking up to meet Maura's eyes.

Maura was gazing at her with an odd, soft expression.

"You ok?" Jane asked, her concern growing when Maura didn't respond.

"I'm ok," Maura nodded, her voice breathy. "But I'm still a little cold."

"Shit," Jane moved further towards Maura, curling Maura's legs around her in an attempt to impart her own body heat. "What can I do? Should we go? I'll take you to the hospital-"

"Actually," Maura licked her lips. "Would you just hold me for a minute?"

Without hesitation, Jane opened her arms. Maura turned, shifting until she was burying her nose against Jane's neck. Jane stroked her arms up and down Maura's back, into her hair, across her shoulders.

Jane's heart pounded. She inhaled deeply, letting Maura's scent wrap around her.

"I'm glad you're alright," Jane whispered. She hadn't meant to speak.

"Thanks to you," Maura nodded against her. "I'm glad you were here."

"If I hadn't been here," Jane felt the guilt creeping in. "_You _wouldn't have been here. I shouldn't have let you come."

"You couldn't have stopped me," Maura replied softly. "I was doing my job. This isn't your fault so please don't make it another thing you feel guilty for. You saved my life."

"I just-" Jane began.

"Not just today," Maura added quietly. "You saved me the moment we met."

Jane stopped breathing.

"What?" she rasped.

"You saved me," Maura repeated. "From the day we met. You gave me a life I never could have dreamt of. You're my best friend, and not only have you given me that but you've given me a family too. You saved my life that day and every day since. This is just one more instance of that."

"Maura," Jane sighed. Her heart felt like it might burst. "You're so important to me. I'd do anything to keep you safe."

"I know," Maura replied. "I'd do anything to keep you safe, too. Even when… even if it… even when it hurts me."

Jane was silent as she tried to process. She hurt Maura?

"It hurts you?" she rumbled. "I'm sorry. Please don't-"

"I could tell you weren't ready," Maura breathed. "I could tell that something was holding you back, and I didn't want to pressure you but I was so tired of waiting…"

"Maura," Jane licked her lips. Her hands stilled against the smaller woman. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't remember what you said?" Maura asked. "As you were pulling me out of the water?"

Jane tried to think back to only minutes before, tried to remember, but it was all just a blur of fear, panic, anxiety.

"No," she hedged. "But if I said something that hurt you I'm so, so sorry."

"You didn't," Maura soothed, her arms tightening around Jane's waist. "Partial psychogenic amnesia is common following a traumatic experience. Many people don't remember-"

"What did I say?" Jane interrupted awkwardly.

"You said that you were in love with me," Maura said softly. "That you couldn't imagine your life without me. That you shouldn't have waited so long."

"Oh," Jane exhaled raggedly.

"I understand if you didn't mean it," Maura sounded wary, as if Jane might hurt her at any moment without warning. "People often say things in traumatic circumstances that they wouldn't otherwise and-"

"I meant it," Jane rumbled. "I _mean_ it."

They were both silent for a long minute, their breathing finally beginning to slow.

"I mean it," Jane repeated, a little louder this time.

"Oh," Maura sighed breathlessly. "Why did you turn me away the other day?"

"I was afraid," Jane sighed.

"Of me?" Maura asked. "Why?"

"I can't, Maura," Jane rasped. "I'm trying to be brave and then I look at you and you're… _you_."

Jane shuddered, her voice dipping to an unbelievably low register.

"And I just don't know what to do about that."

Maura wanted to yell, _kiss me. Marry me. Love me._

Wanted to bury herself in Jane's arms and never let go.

"I don't know what you should do either," Maura whispered. "But don't run, Jane."

"You could so easily break my heart," Jane murmured. "It's scary."

"But you're suddenly unafraid?" Maura furrowed her brow. "You're admitting it now…"

"Oh, no," Jane shook her head. "I'm still afraid."

"Oh," Maura sighed dejectedly. She looked fractured. "I see."

"I don't think you do," Jane suggested, forcing Maura to look at her with a gentle hand under her chin. "I'm still terrified because you could break my heart. But I trust you to be careful with it."

"Oh," Maura brightened considerably. "I'll be very careful with it, I promise."

Jane smiled.

"I'm glad you're ready," she added.

"You are?" Jane couldn't help the grin on her face.

"Yes," Maura assured her, a wistful note sneaking into her tone. "I'm tired of waiting."

"Me too," Jane whispered. She pulled Maura against her tightly, clutching her as if her life depended on it.

It did.

Maura was everything.

She couldn't believe she'd waited so long to admit it.

And she was never letting go again.


End file.
